Tony walked me home like any other day, and mom saw him this time. She said, ‘Don’t walk her home anymore, she can go home by herself.’

I try to talk to her about stuff like this all the time… and yet again… at dinner, she changes the topic, hands me a dish, pretends not to listen, or tells me to repeat the question, and dodges the answer.

One of these days, she’s going to have to listen up…

My world isn’t a bubble with all females, and the only male figures in my life are dad, grandfather, and brother. It isn’t like that anymore, I have male friends and when she wants to listen, a boyfriend too.

I’m not going to stress about this now ’cause I’ve got homework to do, but she has to listen and stop… blocking out the things she doesn’t want to hear.

Change happens and leaves the people behind who choose to ignore it…

Found the damn e-text for Secret Life of Bees

(after a helluva lot of internet raping searching)!

Takes a few pounds off my back, I’m glad.

Dad called French and Algebra teacher today.

Because I can never, ever say this to my dad in person, face to face.

Do you even KNOW how STUPID I felt in front of them both?

Did you even think to wonder what my side is?

Of course I don’t do homework I admit. Of course my test scores are bad.

Do you even take the time to RECOGNIZE how STUPID I would FEEL?

Chris Cronin in Algebra today was like, ‘Ooh, your daddy called the teacher.’

Straight from the lips of the stupidest, jack-assed person in the entire algebra class.

Did you even THINK of the consequences?

Did you even think of the light that would be taken away from my eyes…

…do you know what you’ve done to me?

Judge Tony solely on my warning notice?

A good guy trying to help with my grades, judged as an antagonist immediately and off the bat once that letter comes in.

Why?

I can honestly say he’s one of the happiest things that happened in my life.

Trying to take that away from me immediately thinking he’s the one who’s chaotically wracked my grades isn’t just the way to go.

My brother has screwed up millions of times, yet he doesn’t even get blamed anymore. I screw up. ONCE. Everything falls on me. It doesn’t even qualify as falling on me. Everything has collapsed and crushed my being, almost. I have not one word of solace from you, not a word of warmth, not a glance of reassurance. Nothing. I get that from my friends and Tony. Not a pat of comfort, not a thing.

Do you know how it feels to practically feel like you’re losing the most influential character that has impacted your life for sixteen years?

Did you know how I would feel when my French teacher embarrassed me in front of the entire class…

Did you know how I felt when Chris Cronin said the immature phrase that hit me like an asteroid…

Did you even know.

Did you…

…even know?

At this point, I’ve never felt a larger sadness. It’s different from losing a friend, it’s different from losing a boyfriend, it’s different than losing a pet or losing a pencil or losing an important grade-impacting research paper, it digs a hole in your heart, shoves hay in, drowns the hay in gasoline, and you drop a match into the ditch, and everything INCINERATES.

I’ve lost something that promised to be there for me.

You taught me to keep promises… didn’t you.

I sit here crying and trying to vent every single drowning, flowing, paining, burning emotion I have in me, hoping emptying myself into another jar called a blog will alleviate this remarkable mental torture.

My wonderful friends. My loving Tony. Despite cliches, you guys have really been my ray of hope in my time of darkness.

I know, mom, I know I used to come home straight at 2PM and do homework that would last me until 8PM. I know, I know. I used to be almost anti-social until I started going out, and that has really rounded out my character for the best. I know I don’t do that anymore, but I do after school activities for the good as well.

I can compare myself to a candle.

You always had a match or a lighter handy to give me the light in my eyes.

I now feel that light slowly burning out.

I don’t want that light to disappear, but I’m not an Einstein anymore. I will work harder, of course, it’s for my future, &c.

It’s just that I have made one error, compared to my brother who has made countless.

Is my one error enough to rob me of the light from my eyes…

…is it?

So, a kiss has many tales to tell… a kiss is when two souls connect briefly…

It was drizzling and it felt like mini-fireworks… sparks, light.

A kiss cannot be put into words, except perhaps *indescribable*.

I hope Dominique didn’t fall as hard as I did for Peter.

She just doesn’t deserve it.

I am so tired.

TOM likes to KILL me.

Us girls know what that is.

My back is hurty.

I miss him a
little
much
bit
a lot
more
than I had intended to.
♥

Definitely need some Marauders time. :c

Finished all of my history homework for this week!

Warning notice came. In short, I cried a lot, ’cause dad won’t let me be with him if my grades slip. I kind of ignored him, making excuses as I went on yesterday. Went to bed at nine thirty, earliest I’ve ever been to bed in a long ass time.

But I’ll be damned if I let grades prevent me from being with someone that has truly redefined my definition of happiness.

And, I’ll work harder.

I have let my music blast and carve some sense into me, currently listening to Vanessa Carlton – Ordinary Day.

He definitely is like a shooting star, and shines.

Just an ordinary guy to anyone else, the world… to me.

I haven’t loved and been so loved in a long time, and the feeling is… incomparable. The happiness is limitless, and the thought of it all being taken away is heart-wrenching.

Whenever I see him, I smile, my heart lights up, and I feel safe and happy and comfortable and it’s just amazing. You really can’t put love into clear words.

I really don’t know what the future has in store, but as a good person once told me, the past is done, the future can wait, but the present is now, so live in it.

Present with him is a gift everyday… ♥

And, thank you Jenny & Phi. I love my Marauders so much. ♥

Finished all 152 chapters of xxxHOLiC, and it’s pretty awesome. Can’t wait for the next chapter to be released and scanlated. Not sure if I want to take up reading TRC… no idea how many chapters it has.

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http://www.onemanga.com/xxxHolic/

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