I have been crying… a lot lately. Like, I blame TOM. We all know what that stands for.

And SURPRISINGLY enough. It’s not because I’m sad. Of course, kind of… but it’s amplified. ALL HARD TO EXPLAIN! Read below.

Friday was crazy, I had to go to job orientation for my L2TT2L job. I told Tony I’d meet him up @ Barnes & Nobles @ Prudential at around 6:30 PM. I got there at like 7:30… I looked for him for a while and I didn’t find him and when I was going to give up, he was reading a book by the window @ the bookstore.

I ended up cryingggg, lol. I just felt really bad about having him wait an hour longer and stuff and just, cried. lol

Yeah, I know… perhaps not a cry-able thing to cry over, but I did…

Tony kept kissing me and I just kept apologizing and apologizing and… wow. lol

Then I just like, knelt down on the floor and laid my head on his knee.

I had never felt safer. ♥

I felt like crying out of happiness then… xD

Lots of happenings lately. Had a group that was a little shit and one particular (KS) team member that would not shut the fuck up and kept panicking when she thought everything would fucking fall the fuck apart because Colleen didn’t come.

Whoo~ that was a run-on thought.

Anyways.

Yesterday I did a good amount of crying, lol.

THIS PARTICULAR TEAM MEMBER did not make it any easier on me when she decided she was going to panic since Colleen didn’t come and was sick.

THAT PARTICULAR TEAM MEMBER should take a fucking chill pill and calm the fuck down, ’cause everything is alright again no fucking thanks to fucking her.

Anyways!

Tony was really sweet a few days ago and the week before (he always is but this stood out)!

I got a summer job and the hours are pretty much… day-draining and demanding. Monday through Thursday from 9-3, and even on Saturdays from 12-4. It sucks up a good portion of my summer. Tony’s also going to San Francisco over the summer, so we can’t see July 4 fireworks together…

But I got really worried over how the job would end up breaking us up… ’cause you know… lack of time spent together, ‘you value work more than you love me’… kinds of scenarios…

I’m just rather paranoid like that because I can’t bear to lose him, and it will be our first summer together.

Gosh, lol… I started to cry when I was thinking of it and Tony came over and gave me a hug, saying how he wouldn’t break up over something like a summer job. Then he went on to saying he hopes he doesn’t do anything wrong, and if he does, he hopes I could forgive him… and it was just the sweetest thing ever, ’cause I’ve never heard anyone sound… so sincere.

And… I am such an easily scared person… ._.;;

Tony popped out and it scared me from the door and I started to cry when we got on the bus, lol. It was the stress and the building up that made me cry, and… yeah. I don’t like to be scared-surprised like that… lol.

I wish I had his sweater with me, though. My mom would probably get suspicious though… OVER NOTHING. D< Despite the fact… I wish I had his sweater with me. It’s warm and it reminds me and smells like him. ♥

Project is finally almost done, just need to present and tolerate my team members a little more, and it’s done. Just a little more.

Phi didn’t get the job though, so I’m like. Mortified. They put her on a waiting list. THEY DEFINITELY DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING. D8

;-;

I luff me friends and boyfriend oh so much.

;~; <3 ♥

got the l2tt2l job! i’m delighted actually, lol

got the call earlier today

thing is though

it’s pretty much the entire summer

and i’m kind of scared that i might end up breaking up with him if i don’t give him enough attention because of work

it’s 4 days a week from 9-3

mon – thu

._.

i feel like crying

Mountains Beyond Mountains (Kidder)

Reading Lolita In Tehran (Nafisi)

Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores The Hidden Side Of Everything (Levitt & Dubner)

A Room Of One’s Own (Woolf)

The Writing Life (Dillard)

Kaffir Boy (Mathabane)

A Hope In The Unseen: An American Odyssey From The Inner City To Ivy League (Suskind)

I’ve always been scared of words like ‘always’ and ‘forever’ because it’s something that just doesn’t exist in real life, and… it’s kind of a scary thing when people add ‘promise’ to ‘always’ or ‘forever’.

My dad’s raised me with promises that are never broken. Not once he has broken a promise with me, which is why I trust him so much.

If he can’t make the promise, he won’t say it, simple as that.

I always felt like ‘always’ and ‘forever’ were promises just waiting to be broken.

He said ‘I’ll love you forever’, and… the usual reaction would probably be delight, but I felt uneasiness and fear.

I don’t want to be a downer or anything at all… but I’m really scared of ‘forever’.

I’ve had two past loves that have promised me forever and… promises broken.

Sometimes it’s really hard to live in the present and right now, it really is.

He always walks me home and kisses me before I go to class, and when he stops walking me home and stops kissing me before classes… what if he gets

bored

of

me?

Loves me less?

Doesn’t love me anymore?

And usually, something would trigger emotions or doubts like this.

Grades are really important, I know. Above all else. It’s really the top thing in the back of my mind all the time, it’s just that I hate the fact that grades are kind of stalking me and controlling the relationship I hold so close to home.

His mom kept asking about where he was, who he was with, and what he did when he came back home today. He always gets home really late because he takes me home and we both live like an hour away by train (20 minutes by car). He gets home later than often now because I have so many after school activities. I feel bad sometimes… because despite me loving him being around me all the time, he gets home later than usual and is tired in the morning and has less time to do homework.

I worry, a lot.

I apologize, a lot.

Sometimes even for stuff that isn’t my fault, but I feel it is because it plagues him.

I feel things slowly easing into getting serious, and we’re just not joking around anymore, we really do love each other and we’re really trying to work things out, really, REALLY trying to be good for each other. Really.

It’s just that… I’m happy when he says ‘I’ll love you forever’, but…

…there’s always that succinct fear that seems to blanket me.

I’m so scared of broken promises.

Just finished dinner… everyone’s birthday is today, lol.

It’s Kairii’s birthday (ltadakimasuu), my little brother’s birthday, my dad’s friend’s birthday, my uncle’s daughter’s birthday… Nguyen’s birthday… hee.

So many birthdays~

Dad went out for his friend’s birthday though, and didn’t stay for my little brother’s birthday.

I tried to find any excuse for my dad missing my brother’s birthday, but I couldn’t. I would always try to find an excuse for my dad. For anything. ‘Cause I know he wouldn’t do ill to my brother.

Grandfater and mom kept saying that if he left… there would be bad luck or something like that. Dad ‘hmph’ed and said he didn’t believe in that kind of thing… times like this I wish my Chinese ear was better.

He said he promised them… which is legitimate but… it’s my brother’s birthday. He couldn’t have forgotten.

He said he was going to get my brother a PSP or something like that… but. I don’t know.

Missing birthdays can be remembered for years and years…

My brother says it’s okay, but… gah.

Dad says that his dad (my grandfather) didn’t care about his birthday. It sounds like he left, and then it sounds like just now he came back?

He stopped sleeping in the same bed as my mom.

My grandfather fell down the stairs and hurt his leg.

My mom has been tired from working lately, she’s actually used the phrase ‘I feel like I’m going to die’.

My dad sounds angry downstairs…

My brother feels so distant sometimes.

Still working on getting Ilbis.

If anything changed from this point, I don’t think I could go on…

ONE MORE DAY!

Not to mention 2 years 4 months with MARAUDERS!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

We’ve all come a longgggg way.

Watertown Arsenal Park was a lot of fun, and apparently I’ve been to it before with my grandfather, I just didn’t know it was in Watertown and called Arsenal Park. It was next to the moose Bugaboo Creek steak house or something like that.

Played football, frisbee, tennis, badminton, and basketball. Devoured soy sauce chicken and noodles with tons of water and some Vitamin Water. Delicious stuff!

I can play a lot of sports, but I can’t really keep up with basketball since it requires a lot of running, and I just don’t know what my asthma wants to do with me. Last time I went beyond my limits and practically suffocated myself with nothing in gym. So I was a bit iffy on playing basketball for long periods of time, but it was fun while it lasted!

Tennis was hilarious, since I had terrible hand-eye coordination, but I guess my serves were alright? lol

Football, well, I can’t catch one to save my life, enough said. Tony can throw really hard, along with Michael, Michael, and Raymond. Ken all threw it weird, every time. xDDDD

I met a lot of new people today, including Mary, who tried her best during football! We didn’t catch a lot of football throws though, that thing really hurts… <_<

Went home to Tony’s… ate. Watched Enchanted! Tony was so *sweet*! ♥ ♥

Walked me home… gave me his sweater since it was nice earlier on and… I wore a paper-thin sweater. lol

Earlier today it was a beautiful almost summer day. NOTE! Once it hits 80 degrees, I’m dragging everyone to JFK beach. No fucking questions ASKED!

But, yes. Beautiful almost summer day. Not a cloud in the crisp blue sky.

When Tony walked me home, it was the same thing, except it was a crisp dark blue with a cream colored big full moon.

I slept at 2:30AM yesterday night and woke up pretty early today, so I ended up taking a lot of naps during Watertown today and when Tony walked me home.

I learned something today though!

When I talk too much, he kisses me and leaves me pretty much breathless and whatever I wanted or needed to say becomes unimportant.

When the silence is comfortable… words truly are not needed.

Hearing his heart beating as fast as mine is wonderful.

Tony does not tan, he burns. His face was slightly sunburned and it made him look like he was blushing instead. xDDD

He is seriously athletic and strong. He probably could kill someone with a football. o_o

And I love him oh so very much. ♥

Forbidden Kingdom tomorrow at 1PM!

Going to Watertown today w/Tony! ♥

Yesterday was a lot of fun, we played mj (mahjong) for a while, and it was a lot of fun! Came straight to my house, there was Alicia, Alicia’s Tony, Mikel, Peter, Phi, Tony, and me!

We played for 4 hours straight until we ate pizza and cheese sticks, then we played for maybe an hour or two later on. Lots of fun! I kept losing though. Alicia’s Tony rly hax. D;

Tony’s just pro, mmk. xD

Peter and Mikel and Phi are officially addicted. Now we all want to play mj every Friday. We’re all crazy people…

Tony being rly pro and all… I think it might’ve annoyed Phi and Alicia a little since his dad’s so hard on him. I could smell the irritation off them. =x I hope Tony knows it’s just a game and if we make mistakes, we make them, it’s not the end of the world and we aren’t gambling for money. xP MIKEL WANTED TO GAMBLE MONEY! That [rich] whoar.

Thanks Tony for ordering pizza for us hungry people. We suck. xPP

Finally level 67 after quite a long time. 3 more levels and it’s Priest for me.

Uuhm, yeah.

Now to comb my hair before it frizzes and I have cowlicks everywhere.

>_>

June 20th is the official last day of school, excluding make-up days because of snow days.

Tony is going to California for 2 weeks during the summer.

The idea depressed me a little, not being able to see him for 2 weeks.

His sister Anna’s got a lot planned, and I think they’re passing by San Francisco too.

I hope this isn’t a stage… I miss him frequently and often.

The feeling he gives me is just so.

Really, indescribable.

Blaaaaah.

Raaaaaaaarwrgh.

._.

.-.

>__O

2 weeks…

…2 weeks…

…D8!

Need to finish hw now.