Mountains Beyond Mountains (Kidder)

Reading Lolita In Tehran (Nafisi)

Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores The Hidden Side Of Everything (Levitt & Dubner)

A Room Of One’s Own (Woolf)

The Writing Life (Dillard)

Kaffir Boy (Mathabane)

A Hope In The Unseen: An American Odyssey From The Inner City To Ivy League (Suskind)

I’ve always been scared of words like ‘always’ and ‘forever’ because it’s something that just doesn’t exist in real life, and… it’s kind of a scary thing when people add ‘promise’ to ‘always’ or ‘forever’.

My dad’s raised me with promises that are never broken. Not once he has broken a promise with me, which is why I trust him so much.

If he can’t make the promise, he won’t say it, simple as that.

I always felt like ‘always’ and ‘forever’ were promises just waiting to be broken.

He said ‘I’ll love you forever’, and… the usual reaction would probably be delight, but I felt uneasiness and fear.

I don’t want to be a downer or anything at all… but I’m really scared of ‘forever’.

I’ve had two past loves that have promised me forever and… promises broken.

Sometimes it’s really hard to live in the present and right now, it really is.

He always walks me home and kisses me before I go to class, and when he stops walking me home and stops kissing me before classes… what if he gets

bored

of

me?

Loves me less?

Doesn’t love me anymore?

And usually, something would trigger emotions or doubts like this.

Grades are really important, I know. Above all else. It’s really the top thing in the back of my mind all the time, it’s just that I hate the fact that grades are kind of stalking me and controlling the relationship I hold so close to home.

His mom kept asking about where he was, who he was with, and what he did when he came back home today. He always gets home really late because he takes me home and we both live like an hour away by train (20 minutes by car). He gets home later than often now because I have so many after school activities. I feel bad sometimes… because despite me loving him being around me all the time, he gets home later than usual and is tired in the morning and has less time to do homework.

I worry, a lot.

I apologize, a lot.

Sometimes even for stuff that isn’t my fault, but I feel it is because it plagues him.

I feel things slowly easing into getting serious, and we’re just not joking around anymore, we really do love each other and we’re really trying to work things out, really, REALLY trying to be good for each other. Really.

It’s just that… I’m happy when he says ‘I’ll love you forever’, but…

…there’s always that succinct fear that seems to blanket me.

I’m so scared of broken promises.

Just finished dinner… everyone’s birthday is today, lol.

It’s Kairii’s birthday (ltadakimasuu), my little brother’s birthday, my dad’s friend’s birthday, my uncle’s daughter’s birthday… Nguyen’s birthday… hee.

So many birthdays~

Dad went out for his friend’s birthday though, and didn’t stay for my little brother’s birthday.

I tried to find any excuse for my dad missing my brother’s birthday, but I couldn’t. I would always try to find an excuse for my dad. For anything. ‘Cause I know he wouldn’t do ill to my brother.

Grandfater and mom kept saying that if he left… there would be bad luck or something like that. Dad ‘hmph’ed and said he didn’t believe in that kind of thing… times like this I wish my Chinese ear was better.

He said he promised them… which is legitimate but… it’s my brother’s birthday. He couldn’t have forgotten.

He said he was going to get my brother a PSP or something like that… but. I don’t know.

Missing birthdays can be remembered for years and years…

My brother says it’s okay, but… gah.

Dad says that his dad (my grandfather) didn’t care about his birthday. It sounds like he left, and then it sounds like just now he came back?

He stopped sleeping in the same bed as my mom.

My grandfather fell down the stairs and hurt his leg.

My mom has been tired from working lately, she’s actually used the phrase ‘I feel like I’m going to die’.

My dad sounds angry downstairs…

My brother feels so distant sometimes.

Still working on getting Ilbis.

If anything changed from this point, I don’t think I could go on…

ONE MORE DAY!

Not to mention 2 years 4 months with MARAUDERS!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

We’ve all come a longgggg way.

Watertown Arsenal Park was a lot of fun, and apparently I’ve been to it before with my grandfather, I just didn’t know it was in Watertown and called Arsenal Park. It was next to the moose Bugaboo Creek steak house or something like that.

Played football, frisbee, tennis, badminton, and basketball. Devoured soy sauce chicken and noodles with tons of water and some Vitamin Water. Delicious stuff!

I can play a lot of sports, but I can’t really keep up with basketball since it requires a lot of running, and I just don’t know what my asthma wants to do with me. Last time I went beyond my limits and practically suffocated myself with nothing in gym. So I was a bit iffy on playing basketball for long periods of time, but it was fun while it lasted!

Tennis was hilarious, since I had terrible hand-eye coordination, but I guess my serves were alright? lol

Football, well, I can’t catch one to save my life, enough said. Tony can throw really hard, along with Michael, Michael, and Raymond. Ken all threw it weird, every time. xDDDD

I met a lot of new people today, including Mary, who tried her best during football! We didn’t catch a lot of football throws though, that thing really hurts… <_<

Went home to Tony’s… ate. Watched Enchanted! Tony was so *sweet*! ♥ ♥

Walked me home… gave me his sweater since it was nice earlier on and… I wore a paper-thin sweater. lol

Earlier today it was a beautiful almost summer day. NOTE! Once it hits 80 degrees, I’m dragging everyone to JFK beach. No fucking questions ASKED!

But, yes. Beautiful almost summer day. Not a cloud in the crisp blue sky.

When Tony walked me home, it was the same thing, except it was a crisp dark blue with a cream colored big full moon.

I slept at 2:30AM yesterday night and woke up pretty early today, so I ended up taking a lot of naps during Watertown today and when Tony walked me home.

I learned something today though!

When I talk too much, he kisses me and leaves me pretty much breathless and whatever I wanted or needed to say becomes unimportant.

When the silence is comfortable… words truly are not needed.

Hearing his heart beating as fast as mine is wonderful.

Tony does not tan, he burns. His face was slightly sunburned and it made him look like he was blushing instead. xDDD

He is seriously athletic and strong. He probably could kill someone with a football. o_o

And I love him oh so very much. ♥

Forbidden Kingdom tomorrow at 1PM!

Going to Watertown today w/Tony! ♥

Yesterday was a lot of fun, we played mj (mahjong) for a while, and it was a lot of fun! Came straight to my house, there was Alicia, Alicia’s Tony, Mikel, Peter, Phi, Tony, and me!

We played for 4 hours straight until we ate pizza and cheese sticks, then we played for maybe an hour or two later on. Lots of fun! I kept losing though. Alicia’s Tony rly hax. D;

Tony’s just pro, mmk. xD

Peter and Mikel and Phi are officially addicted. Now we all want to play mj every Friday. We’re all crazy people…

Tony being rly pro and all… I think it might’ve annoyed Phi and Alicia a little since his dad’s so hard on him. I could smell the irritation off them. =x I hope Tony knows it’s just a game and if we make mistakes, we make them, it’s not the end of the world and we aren’t gambling for money. xP MIKEL WANTED TO GAMBLE MONEY! That [rich] whoar.

Thanks Tony for ordering pizza for us hungry people. We suck. xPP

Finally level 67 after quite a long time. 3 more levels and it’s Priest for me.

Uuhm, yeah.

Now to comb my hair before it frizzes and I have cowlicks everywhere.

>_>

June 20th is the official last day of school, excluding make-up days because of snow days.

Tony is going to California for 2 weeks during the summer.

The idea depressed me a little, not being able to see him for 2 weeks.

His sister Anna’s got a lot planned, and I think they’re passing by San Francisco too.

I hope this isn’t a stage… I miss him frequently and often.

The feeling he gives me is just so.

Really, indescribable.

Blaaaaah.

Raaaaaaaarwrgh.

._.

.-.

>__O

2 weeks…

…2 weeks…

…D8!

Need to finish hw now.

Tony walked me home like any other day, and mom saw him this time. She said, ‘Don’t walk her home anymore, she can go home by herself.’

I try to talk to her about stuff like this all the time… and yet again… at dinner, she changes the topic, hands me a dish, pretends not to listen, or tells me to repeat the question, and dodges the answer.

One of these days, she’s going to have to listen up…

My world isn’t a bubble with all females, and the only male figures in my life are dad, grandfather, and brother. It isn’t like that anymore, I have male friends and when she wants to listen, a boyfriend too.

I’m not going to stress about this now ’cause I’ve got homework to do, but she has to listen and stop… blocking out the things she doesn’t want to hear.

Change happens and leaves the people behind who choose to ignore it…

Found the damn e-text for Secret Life of Bees

(after a helluva lot of internet raping searching)!

Takes a few pounds off my back, I’m glad.

Dad called French and Algebra teacher today.

Because I can never, ever say this to my dad in person, face to face.

Do you even KNOW how STUPID I felt in front of them both?

Did you even think to wonder what my side is?

Of course I don’t do homework I admit. Of course my test scores are bad.

Do you even take the time to RECOGNIZE how STUPID I would FEEL?

Chris Cronin in Algebra today was like, ‘Ooh, your daddy called the teacher.’

Straight from the lips of the stupidest, jack-assed person in the entire algebra class.

Did you even THINK of the consequences?

Did you even think of the light that would be taken away from my eyes…

…do you know what you’ve done to me?

Judge Tony solely on my warning notice?

A good guy trying to help with my grades, judged as an antagonist immediately and off the bat once that letter comes in.

Why?

I can honestly say he’s one of the happiest things that happened in my life.

Trying to take that away from me immediately thinking he’s the one who’s chaotically wracked my grades isn’t just the way to go.

My brother has screwed up millions of times, yet he doesn’t even get blamed anymore. I screw up. ONCE. Everything falls on me. It doesn’t even qualify as falling on me. Everything has collapsed and crushed my being, almost. I have not one word of solace from you, not a word of warmth, not a glance of reassurance. Nothing. I get that from my friends and Tony. Not a pat of comfort, not a thing.

Do you know how it feels to practically feel like you’re losing the most influential character that has impacted your life for sixteen years?

Did you know how I would feel when my French teacher embarrassed me in front of the entire class…

Did you know how I felt when Chris Cronin said the immature phrase that hit me like an asteroid…

Did you even know.

Did you…

…even know?

At this point, I’ve never felt a larger sadness. It’s different from losing a friend, it’s different from losing a boyfriend, it’s different than losing a pet or losing a pencil or losing an important grade-impacting research paper, it digs a hole in your heart, shoves hay in, drowns the hay in gasoline, and you drop a match into the ditch, and everything INCINERATES.

I’ve lost something that promised to be there for me.

You taught me to keep promises… didn’t you.

I sit here crying and trying to vent every single drowning, flowing, paining, burning emotion I have in me, hoping emptying myself into another jar called a blog will alleviate this remarkable mental torture.

My wonderful friends. My loving Tony. Despite cliches, you guys have really been my ray of hope in my time of darkness.

I know, mom, I know I used to come home straight at 2PM and do homework that would last me until 8PM. I know, I know. I used to be almost anti-social until I started going out, and that has really rounded out my character for the best. I know I don’t do that anymore, but I do after school activities for the good as well.

I can compare myself to a candle.

You always had a match or a lighter handy to give me the light in my eyes.

I now feel that light slowly burning out.

I don’t want that light to disappear, but I’m not an Einstein anymore. I will work harder, of course, it’s for my future, &c.

It’s just that I have made one error, compared to my brother who has made countless.

Is my one error enough to rob me of the light from my eyes…

…is it?